OUTCAST

I feel like an out cast,
on enemy lines
I'm all alone
buried in grief
Not just at home
not just at work
Every where...I'm a never ending cycle of loneliness
I feel like I'm a circus freak
Trapped in a bubble alone
everyone peers  in but no one dare touch me...
Im all alone...lost I cant find my way out
Im an out cast
I am nowhere to be found

Sometimes...

Sometimes  you start to wonder
What others think of you
But dont you realize
the only opinion that matters
is the one you have of you?
Stop worrying about what
others have to say.
Worry about being your truest form
see what comes out in you
Live your life the way you want
Dont forget the truth
Because the only opinion that
matter is the one
you have for you.

All my life I've cared about what people thought about me. I got embarrassed by the smallest thing. I spent all my time trying to be like the other girls and guys. I wanted so badly to fit in. I wanted so much to be liked by that cute guy in middle school. I wanted so badly to be like by the jerk that broke my heart in high school. I wanted so badly to look like that beautiful girl so I could be happy. Then one day I looked in the mirror and I saw the true me. I wasnt cut out to be the most popular or the prettiest. I wasnt cut out to be the one with the most boyfriends in high school. I was cut out to be the theater geek that spazzes out from time to time dancing around the stage without a care as to what people thought. I didnt care if they laughed and stared, I didnt care if they thought I was wierd. All that mattered is that I was having fun and making the people I'm lucky enough to have as friends laugh. For the first time real me was shining through. The layers of teasing, bullying, and being told I was ugly were starting to strip away and my light was beginning to shine. The best part is? People noticed. People began to realize that I didnt care what they thought because no matter how much they prodded poked and teased I wasnt going to change on their behalf. They knew I was done with them. I've never been more happy. Recently I've been told I was beautiful, or pretty, or cute more times in the last month than in my whole life. I love it, all because I'm being the true me. So for all you there painting the layers on yourself of what they think you should be? Put down the bucket and brush and start peeling of those layers. The most beautiful thing is someone who is true to them self. In the end you'll feel more beautiful than anyone in the world...and thats what matters over everything.
Keep Smiling Beautiful

If you knew I what I know

If you knew I liked you
I would have known you did too
If you knew I hated you
I would have known you didnt
If you knew I loved you
I would have known you love me too
If you knew I liked your goofy character
I would have known you like mine too
If you knew that I think your perfect
I would have known you I was
If you knew I liked you
would you say you liked me too?

Too scared to see what time will tell

Let the words flow out on paper
like the waters over rock.
Let my mind be free
like the spirit of a dove.
Let me tell you that I love you
like one always wants to tell.
Let me go of fears
that shackle me like a prisoner
Let me see what your thinking
like a psychics crystal ball
Let me not be scared to see
what time will tell.

I dont believe

I dont believe in love
my hearts shattered on the floor
the pains too much
i never wanted more
I think im losing all hope
my feelings grow no more
just leave me on the ground
with the rain pouring down
let me drown...
I dont believe in love

Your face reminds me of yesterday...

Your innocence says so much...
Reminds me of a day when life was simple...
A day when nothing mattered...
The world was my oyster...
The days when everyone loved you for you...
Where corny smiles and fake compliments didnt exist...
The days when everyone could be friends...
Where everyone could be loved...
Your eyes say so much...
They say how much you care...
They say what your feeling...
They say that you care for me...
You face reminds me of yesterday...
When life was simple...
When all you were expected to be was a kid...
When no one blamed you for everything...
When hate was nonexistant...
When life was fun...
When all you wanted to be was a grown up...
Your smile tells my everything I need to hear...
It tells me what I can expect...
It tells my what your heart is thinking...
It tells me what you want from life...
Sometimes I dont think you see this...
Sometimes I dont think you see your self the way I see you...
The way I see you is everything I ever want to be...
The way I see you is everything I'll ever need. <3

When a Heart Skips a Beat

I saw you and my heart jumped a mile in front of me...
You didnt even notice, you couldnt see...
Why does my stomach flop when I see your face
Why does my heart stop when I've lost the race
I should no longer think of you and what you did
I should be over you
You didnt even notice me walk by though I triedd
I liked you more than I ever imagined
But things changed and now my heart aches
So should my heart skip a beat when I see you or hear your name?
Why should my heart ache when I notice you and dont even blink?
Why should I feel so lost when your near?
Why is it that I hear you coming and fear?
You led me on to believe you liked me
You played the strings of my heart and snapped every one in two
and now all I'm left with is a unstringed instrument
beyond repair...

Baby I've Got Nowhere to GO...

Well...I'm falling for someone again.
Yes hes mormon...
No hes not perfect mormon...
But I really dont care...
Hes sweet and funny and kind...
And his eyes oh my gosh his eyes...
crystal blue pool eyes...
I love his eyes...
and His smile...
Ive really got nowhere to go with this
Im falling faster with each day...
I miss him more and more and sometimes I cant breathe
It hurts so much though
to not know how he feels
To not know what he thinks
I'm lost now
with nowhere to go...

The Other Side of Down

SO here it is. David Archulettas new CD came out and of course I bought it!!!
Its AMAZING!!! I mean EVERY song is good. EVERY SONG!! They are all so good I cant even believe it!! He is sooo AMAZING...I will marry him!!! I really will...hmmmm:] <3

A DREAM

I had this dream. A very strange dream. A boy I've known since I was ten asked me to participate in an exercise group he does in the morning. BTW he doesnt HAVE an exercise group at all...at least in reality. ANYWHO...he asked and I ended up being the only girl in it. With like 5 other guys. At first I was really slow and unfit. But as the WEEKS (yes my dream was weeks long) I got better...to the point where I was faster than the boys. I was fit and slim and for the first time I ACTUALLY FELT PRETTY. Then in my dream grade school started, but since me and this friend were the only ones in college we were the only ones that stayed in the exercise group. Then one morning we were talking and he said he had something important to tell me...and just as he was about to say it...MY MOM CAME IN AND WOKE ME UP TO TELL ME I NEEDED TO TAKE HER TO WORK...I was extremely saddened...I'll never know what he had to say...:(
On another note TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!!!
I have to say though this dream has inspired me to start working out and eat better...( I say as I remember the oh so deloicous reeses hiding in my purse teehee)

COLLEGE

College is SO much better than high school. EVERYONE is so much more mature. Even the boys. College boys arent jerks like high school boys. Lets just say....I LOVE COLLEGE!!!!

Work

Today was a really slow day at work.
It was however extremely fun.
Despite the fact that my co worker decided to take the weekend off...
and threw everyone else off schedule...
and I only got three hours of sleep last night...
TODAY WAS A REALLY GOOD DAY!!!
I guess the poor boy doesnt know that you cant just take FOUR days off
immediatly two weeks after being hired ( it doesnt look good).
OH WELL he missed the FUN.
Work is becoming just a little less stressful these days.
It might be the peculiar weather were having though.
OH WELL ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE :]

Trying to count my blessings...and wishing I could bless others.

I am a very privlaged girl, and I dont thank the lord enough for what I have. I have two great parents who love me dearly and two brothers who well...there my brothers I'm supposed to love em!! lol JK they keep company and swear to beat up any guy who breaks my heart, but most of all they have my back!! I live in a good house with lots of love and my very own bed. I'm pretty greatful for that. I really dont deserve it. There are people out there who are struggling greatly. I wish I could save the world from this itself. Were all spiraling in a downward direction. So I guess I'm trying to say that I wish I could take all the pain and sorrow from everyone and throw it away to be lost forever....

The Very new and VERY real me

I've decided that maybe I just need to learn to be myself now.
I'm tired of pretending to be someone else to make myself noticed.
If you dont love me for me then maybe you just dont deserve me.
And you know what?
I dont need you. :]

This is a new blog for a new me!! <3